True Forgiveness or False Forgiveness

 I have been studying about forgiveness a lot lately and I have had a crash course in information. One of the best things I learned is we can forgive and choose forgivemess but, and this is a big BUT, we can still have left over emotions, like anger and hurt. One of the great lies that we told is that if we forgive we are over it and peace and joy remain. Not true! Here is why.

When we have been wronged in some way or hurt deeply, we can choose to forgive. For me and many others, that means we ask the Holy Spirit to breathe strength into us to forgive and we lay it down with God. Depending on the injury and situation, it can take a really long time to actually heal from all the emotions surroudning this. Now, I dont always go straight for forgiveness, I am not that enlightened yet. So, if I have held onto something for a while it has most likely festered and will take more time to heal. Or if I was hurt over and over and even choose forgivness in the the middle of it, it can take time.

I was so often more upset with how I felt, thinking I dont even know how to forgive right. And then God led me to these truths. How refreshing!

There is more to the story thought, while I am waiting to be delievered, because I hate to break it you, we dont do that part, I have things I need to do. For instance, I stop talking it, I pray and ask God to bless that person and have mercy on them. That isnt easy at times. I was actually praying for my former fiance's marriage and children to be blessed. That one did not feel so good!

What I found was as I do the above, while in the waiting period, those additional actions, keep me froming going back to seething and starting the process all over. God knows our hearts and minds and all that has been and all that will be. We dont have to tell our story any more. However, it is important to share when we need to share, and to share when it can help others. That does need some discernment. Some places I still feel raw and it is better to keep my mouth shut.

I also learned forgiveness allows letting other be themselves. When we have annoying people in our lives or ones who dont let us be ourselves b/c of their philsophy of life, I also have to choose forgiveness. I think something terrible we do is not listen or let folks express b/c we dont agree. And we all think our doctrines are right! I have come far enough to know, that no one person or doctrine or branch of religion, or new age think yourself a certain way, know everything. We think we do, but I think one day we will all know that we were correct in some areas  and wrong in others.

I had somethings crop up recently that are painful and what was so great is that I had been reading about all this and could choose differently right away. And for me, I choose not to talk about where I was hurt to anyone, and to realize that I am not on the same page as others. But love them anyway.

I am sure I will write more tomorrow.

Peace and blessings,

Heather

The Prayer Quilt

A couple of weeks ago I received a prayer quilt from a women's group at my church. I have neverhad one of those and never even heard of them. The card attached to my hand delivered bundle read " This quilt is a gift from the Daytime Women's Ministry. The knots represent prayers said for you, your comfort, your peace. We love you". I was beyond words, and humbled beyond measure.

To back up some, I have been going through some very challenging health stuff with no relief or even hope for a good outcome. When the quilt was deliverd, via my aunt, I had been in bed for 2 days with a migraine I cant even begin to describe, not to mention the other pain that has been my constant companion. (The headaches are brought on by hormonal imbalances, and at some of the root of my illness). As I looked at this beautiful quilt, I saw all these knots that are sewn and tied into the top side. Those knots all represent prayers said for little ole me. I layed back down with the quilt over me, marveling in just being loved.

Later that night after pain for so long with no relief I cried out to God,  cant I just have one day without pain? Just one? Dont I deserve that? I am faithful, and I search your face each day of my life. What am I not doing? Eventually, I gave up my ranting and went back to bed. The quilt went with me and even when I got too hot, that quilt stayed on the side of my bed. Even in the midst of all this I kept thinking about the meaning of this quilt. I thought about all those women who took time to say prayers for me. Can I just tell you, I have that quilt with me like Linus from Peanuts. Each time I am in pain, or have bad news, or I am just so tired and disheartened, I drape the quilt over me. The other night, out of no where, the pain intensified, and the quilt went over my tummy. The pain eased up. Interesting?

What I think is so special about the quilt, is it reminds me that I am loved. It reminds me that prayers are going out for me each day and night. It reminds me I am not alone no matter how I feel.

Mostly it reminds me of God's love and how God uses His children to help others. How God's plan and seeking that, is not always the most direct route or even the easiest route. That during this time, God is still in Heaven and all is right with the world. I will get through this and something good will come of all this suffering.

So, back to what I said about the pain being less when I had the quilt over me. Did the quilt do that? What I honestly think, is  when I remember God's love and He has a good plan for me, the pain isnt as bad. I think when there is pain and not an easy end in sight, I can get really scared and fear can amplify pain more than most anything for me. 

What may seem like a very simple and thoughtful gift has been so much more to me. Today I was able to go to church for the first time in over a month. I saw the lady that is over that Women's Ministry and she had another prayer quilt they were working on. There were a few knots left to tie and I was like an eager child running for a toy, just to be able to say a prayer and tie a knot for someone else who is suffering. What a gift that was to be a part of that. And what a gift to be at church again, when even a few days ago, I couldnt imagine being up and able to go back to church. 

My journey is far from over and I am pretty sure I have gotten direcion from God at least on what action NOT to take, there is still a lot ahead of me. Of course, with God, I could wake up tomorrow with a complete change for the better. What I do know, is I am loved and I think I will continue to be like Linus with my quilt in tow. Maybe he was on to something.

Peace and Blessings,

Heather

The Dilemna

I can remember a time when I had nothing to do with the medical community. I rebuked them and just about anything they had to say. That is, until I learned some really tough lessons. When my dad and grandmother died and I realized that all I had harped on them about and all their issues, could not be cured with chiropractic, herbs and even better thinking. They needed intervention that a medical doctor could have given them. There were things going on that needed to be diagnosed. With the correct information, then something could have been done to steer them on the right course.

With that being said, I also think that true healing, comes on so many levels. We can see all the doctors we want and have surgeries but if we refuse to change what got us there, then we are in trouble.

So, what does all this have to do with me? After some tough lessons, I could not continue to justify my views on nothing medical! How dumb is that? The past 2 years, I have been to more doctors and more ER's than most people go to in their entire lives. I have felt like such a failure that I cant " heal myself". First, I didnt know what I was trying to heal and when I got an idea, I have felt so bad physically I was not able to make the "healing progress" I wanted to. 

Do you know what takes times? Time does! I was so desperate for relief and to just feel good for one day. Most people could not understand what my issue was. Some of the lovely things I have heard are, pull yourself up by the boot straps, life is full of ups and downs, or you need a hysterectomy ( that is one of my favorites), move myself around and fill myself with joy, suck it up, and on we go. Everytime I hear those things, it is like a nail in my heart. Because those that know my will, know that if I could run around shouting Joy, I would be! What happens is I feel worse and worse about where I am. Not exactly good for healing.

So, here I am, in the midst of a major health crisis and scared more than I can even voice. Scared of the pain, the weakness, the exhaustion and mostly not knowing what is really going on in my body again. I have a good idea, but I dont know all the details yet. For someone that was all about you can heal anything with the correct way of living, I honestly have felt ashamed of where I am. 

For the past 2 years,  I have felt worse than I ever thought possible. I have dug deep within and let myself cry, be angry and even scream. I have given God access to every part of me. And still thinking I am going to heal completely. This is not a passive thing either. I have to do my part and somedays, prayer is all I can do. I am in way over my head.

With this last bout of pain and sickness, I have finally said " I surrender". 

Last night, while going over everything in my head, the light bulb moment was that it can take a lifetime to heal, and I am talking about emotional healing. There is no end point, except when I go to heaven. And I am tired of the battle I have fought since I was 17. If I am going to continue to suffer, then I am willing to give up my ovary that is swollen like an orange, or even all the vital female things. If that means, I can live a better life, because right now I have no quality of life. I have fought so hard to save my left ovary, that I think, I have fought againist myself. And to what avail?

I can honestly say, even the thought of losing my organs feels like a part of me will die. What I mean by this, is my dreams of family and children, which is all I have ever really wanted in this life, will die. Why is this happening, I want to cry? Why cant I get it right?

The problem with all this, is I am leaving God out of the equation. There are things I dont know or even understand, but God knows all. I am working on letting Him lead me right now. Of course, me being me, I kick and scream along with way and even leave claw marks on letting go of "my plans".

So, tomorrow I see a doctor and hopefully, start on the way to getting better..............I have about a 'grain of a mustard seed" about healing right now. And luckily, that is all it takes to get started.