I can remember a time when I had nothing to do with the medical community. I rebuked them and just about anything they had to say. That is, until I learned some really tough lessons. When my dad and grandmother died and I realized that all I had harped on them about and all their issues, could not be cured with chiropractic, herbs and even better thinking. They needed intervention that a medical doctor could have given them. There were things going on that needed to be diagnosed. With the correct information, then something could have been done to steer them on the right course.
With that being said, I also think that true healing, comes on so many levels. We can see all the doctors we want and have surgeries but if we refuse to change what got us there, then we are in trouble.
So, what does all this have to do with me? After some tough lessons, I could not continue to justify my views on nothing medical! How dumb is that? The past 2 years, I have been to more doctors and more ER's than most people go to in their entire lives. I have felt like such a failure that I cant " heal myself". First, I didnt know what I was trying to heal and when I got an idea, I have felt so bad physically I was not able to make the "healing progress" I wanted to.
Do you know what takes times? Time does! I was so desperate for relief and to just feel good for one day. Most people could not understand what my issue was. Some of the lovely things I have heard are, pull yourself up by the boot straps, life is full of ups and downs, or you need a hysterectomy ( that is one of my favorites), move myself around and fill myself with joy, suck it up, and on we go. Everytime I hear those things, it is like a nail in my heart. Because those that know my will, know that if I could run around shouting Joy, I would be! What happens is I feel worse and worse about where I am. Not exactly good for healing.
So, here I am, in the midst of a major health crisis and scared more than I can even voice. Scared of the pain, the weakness, the exhaustion and mostly not knowing what is really going on in my body again. I have a good idea, but I dont know all the details yet. For someone that was all about you can heal anything with the correct way of living, I honestly have felt ashamed of where I am.
For the past 2 years, I have felt worse than I ever thought possible. I have dug deep within and let myself cry, be angry and even scream. I have given God access to every part of me. And still thinking I am going to heal completely. This is not a passive thing either. I have to do my part and somedays, prayer is all I can do. I am in way over my head.
With this last bout of pain and sickness, I have finally said " I surrender".
Last night, while going over everything in my head, the light bulb moment was that it can take a lifetime to heal, and I am talking about emotional healing. There is no end point, except when I go to heaven. And I am tired of the battle I have fought since I was 17. If I am going to continue to suffer, then I am willing to give up my ovary that is swollen like an orange, or even all the vital female things. If that means, I can live a better life, because right now I have no quality of life. I have fought so hard to save my left ovary, that I think, I have fought againist myself. And to what avail?
I can honestly say, even the thought of losing my organs feels like a part of me will die. What I mean by this, is my dreams of family and children, which is all I have ever really wanted in this life, will die. Why is this happening, I want to cry? Why cant I get it right?
The problem with all this, is I am leaving God out of the equation. There are things I dont know or even understand, but God knows all. I am working on letting Him lead me right now. Of course, me being me, I kick and scream along with way and even leave claw marks on letting go of "my plans".
So, tomorrow I see a doctor and hopefully, start on the way to getting better..............I have about a 'grain of a mustard seed" about healing right now. And luckily, that is all it takes to get started.
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